Sunday, 11 March 2018


Hey guys, did ya miss me? Gosh it feels so good to be back on my laptop, typing this. I haven't posted in just over a week but I think this is actually the longest time I've been absent from my blog in the five years I've had it. Isn't that crazy to think? I've always prided myself on consistency and sticking to schedules but life is unpredictable so of course it's inevitable to lose the rhythm occasionally. Much more recently I've also come to the conclusion that it's not always the healthiest thing (for me at least) to be so disciplined. In fact, this rigidity is probably what caused this little blog break to happen. Okay I admit, it is amongst other factors that I'll catch you up on straight after this if you haven't been following my other social media channels. If you have then you'll know that last week I flew to Dublin for what should've been a two day trip to attend Dublin Film Festival. Unfortunately Storm Emma or #TheBeastFromTheEast threw these plans into absolute disarray. First off, the stars of the film premiere we were going to (Mary Magdalene) couldn't actually make it as all flights to Dublin got cancelled. This already felt like a huge blow to me as I actually flew to Dublin in the hopes of being able to meet Rooney Mara again, who is one of my favourite actresses but I haven't seen her since the first time we met in 2015 (which, if you know me at all, is an insaaanely long time for me to reunite with a fave). Still they informed us that the screening would still be going ahead sans actors so at least we still had that to look forward to right? Wrong. We made our way to the venue half an hour before it started when they started turning the audience away at the door saying the movie was now cancelled (without prior warning) because of unsafe storm conditions. After getting a refund, we made our way back to the hotel only to find that our flight back home to London the next day had been cancelled too. In fact no flights were allowed to leave Dublin due to the bad weather. Our airlines then re-booked us on the first flight out on Friday morning but it wasn't long till I heard the news that Dublin had actually been put on red alert (meaning no businesses were open or operating and no one should venture outdoors at all) from Thursday afternoon to Friday noon. We called our airlines to enquire about why we were put on a flight time smack bang in the middle or red alert when they said that there had been a mistake and that this flight was actually cancelled too. They also clarified that Dublin airport would only re-open on Saturday morning but then all the flights that day were full as everyone had been stranded and were all waiting to fly out and the earliest we could leave was Sunday. Bear in mind, it was still Wednesday at this point and now we were forced to stay in this new city for a further three whole days. I was shocked at first, then absolutely shattered. In fact, I think I went on the emotional rollercoaster of my life in these few short days. Firstly, being such a creature of schedule, it makes me incredibly anxious when things don't go to plan and the future becomes uncertain. I'm not the best at problem solving either so just getting to this point and having to enquire and argue with so many people was very stressful indeed. Secondly, I hadn't packed for more than a day and a half away from home to be honest, and I didn't bring my laptop or DSLR camera which would render my productiveness as a blogger to zero, which in turn made me feel even more stressed and useless. Thirdly, only returning to London on Sunday meant that I would miss two things: the IAMX concert and a talk with Riz Ahmed, both of which I was very much looking forward to and again, if you know me at all, you'd know how much these events meant to me. So there I was, stranded in Dublin with so many pent up emotions and nowhere to release them. 

I was so incredibly upset at this time. I took to twitter and other social media channels to vent and surprisingly a lot of you guys reached back out with advice and travel tips to help me out, which was so thoughtful, selfless and kind. However at the time I was so overwhelmed by all the suggestions and instead of feeling grateful, I just felt annoyed and triggered. I tried following the various routes my followers had laid out for me only to meet dead ends. I should've known it would literally be impossible to leave Dublin, we were a city on red alert after all. After hitting the point of exhaustion, like a rat trying to find it's way out of a labyrinth, I gave up on trying to escape. I decided to stay in Dublin until the scheduled flight out on Sunday and tried not to think about what I'd be missing out on. I was soon faced with an altogether different kind of dillema. Stuck in a tiny hotel room, boxed in by four walls for 24 hours, to be potentially left alone with my damaging thoughts and feelings. To combat this I downloaded a few lateral thinking puzzle games to my phone which occupied me all day on Friday. On Saturday, the blizzard had stopped, leaving a thick blanket of snow. I decided to wade out to the local cinema to catch a film, anything to get out of the hotel really. Bear in mind, I'm also still recovering from a dislocated knee so I couldn't walk too far anyway, whilst the icy conditions also had a subconscious traumatic effect on me as that was how I'd slipped previously. That night was the night of the IAMX concert and though I had tried not to dwell on it too much, I found out that a lot of the X family were actually in the same boat as me. Some that had planned to fly to London from other countries obviously couldn't make it either and furthermore, even fans from other cities like Birmingham were stuck as coaches weren't running! To think that others were even closer than me but still exactly as far away, that really put things into perspective for me. How could I have been so selfish? I went to bed that night feeling much more at peace, and ready to go home the next day. Then I had a nightmare that Chris Corner and Matt Bellamy had died and I was sobbing my eyes out. When I woke up, I had to check whether it had all been a dream. I called my mum, who had been keeping up to date with my levels of "stranded-ness". She explained to me that it was most likely a culmination of all my pent up emotions, that I had kept brushing off that I was fine on the outside when inside I was very distraught about missing the IAMX show. She said that it was good that I had had that dream and that it was a sign my subconscious had "let it go". She was right. I felt so much better that morning, whether it was because of that reason or the fact that I was scheduled to go home. I didn't even really care if this flight would get cancelled again or not. Whatever happens will happen, and for a reason.

Topshop jumper / Topshop jeans / Castaner wedges

I feel perfectly at peace with how things turned out now and perhaps even the act of writing this all down has helped to close that chapter. I don't feel regret at all after remembering that I had booked my tickets before the announcement of the storm (plus we got an incredible deal so they were super cheap). Now that I'm back into my normal life in London, I look back on this "Dublin Disaster" as one huge life lesson that's also made me a heck of a lot stronger. It stretched the boundaries of my comfort zone, taught me to be more relaxed in situations beyond my control and just to loosen up a little. I'm also very proud of how I handled everything plus pushed through my fear of slipping on ice, I am giving myself two pats on the back for that. 

Learning to live in the moment isn't going to be an overnight success for people like us. But that's ok. The more challenges we face, the more we'll get to practice. Take each turning point as an opportunity to exercise going with the flow. Broaden your horizons to look at the bigger picture and you'll find that you aren't actually boxed in by your problems and that there are always other ways around, even a better way perhaps.

Let me know if you've had a similar experience before or if you're a bit of a control freak like me. Do you have any tips on how to overcome it? Anyway, this week has made me appreciate home even more and I've really been enjoying how much warmer the weather feels in London. I'm not sure if it's because I just got back from freezing Ireland or if spring really is just around the corner but I am more than ready to resurrect my spring wardrobe. Definitely feeling white or light coloured jeans in general to inject some freshness into my denim collection. Don't go believing the bull that larger girls can't wear white bottoms, the only thing you need to be worrying about is where you place your behind... you don't really want to be getting any stains. Weather aside, a large contributing factor to my pleasant mood was the Oscars. I'm beyond ecstatic that The Shape of Water not only scooped up Best Picture (I was totally not expecting that) but the most wins of the night! A lot of you know how much I adore this film and I'm so happy that it is getting the recognition it deserves. Anyway, it's nice to be in such a positive frame of mind recently, I'm really excited to get back into all things work and blogging. Hope you've all been well!

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